I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
