You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
