I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
