I wish I could teleport
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
birth control should be required to get into college
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
