ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
