I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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