dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
