is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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