yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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