so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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