No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
