before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
cat food counts as protein by the way
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
