I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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