i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
