Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The uberlube is also flammable
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
