i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I smell like Dick and happiness
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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