this beer tastes like vomit already
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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