So drunk, too bad you don't want this
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
