I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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