Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
