Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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