Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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