My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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