How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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