did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just pynch a tree in the face
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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