Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
