Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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