he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
