I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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