It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
