HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
