You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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