Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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