Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
