**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
True college students do jello shots in the library
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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