everyone is single if you try hard enough
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
