If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
