You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
