Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
