When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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