if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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