My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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