So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
