My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
