Screwed.edu
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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