what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
