I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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