This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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