my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
