i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
