Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
